Scrap that why am I so lonely? 

Just under 5 years ago my life fell apart, suicidal and broken I felt like I lost everything.
 
I came back, but still I didn’t move forward in my career in the police.
 
Twelve months later I left, then Covid hit and as I embarked on my new business, the economic impact and isolation nearly cost me and my family our home.
 
Fast forward to 2023, business is moving forward, I have worked with some amazing top performers, celebrities and on the surface life looks like it’s getting better.
 
My relationship with myself is so much better now, I have stepped into my power, accepted all of me, but why do I still feel lonely, abandoned and why do I feel like such a failure?
 
The truth is I know it’s all bullshit, I help people break through this stuff and I love helping people find freedom, but am I free?

The truth is I still feel judged, guilty, shameful and it doesn’t matter how hard I try not to validate those feelings, the ego keeps presenting to me evidence that I am not worthy of connection, in fact now I squirm inside when I speak about mental health and wellbeing as I watch peoples bodies retract as I fumble, mumble and try my best to articulate what I need, so I go within, hide and pretend all is well.
 
By the way I am brilliant at that.
 
It's a skill I crafted years ago, but I know from the past that eventually I will get outed, so that’s why I am taking control of this feeling and putting it in this blog.

Why journal this stuff when I know 100%, if you have got this far, you probably feel the same but have never felt the courage to step into vulnerability without being judged. I got you, read on.
 
You see there is a famous saying “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man”, by Aristotle, but there is a missing piece and it’s one that plays out in everyone’s life regardless of whether you are 7 or 57 and that’s the environment in which you find yourself, both physically, mentally and spiritually.
 
Mindset is great, but if you don’t have the support then as Albert Einstein said: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
 
Back in 2021 I made a massive self-discovery as a studied how successful people think, act and react.
 
You see depression and anxiety effects everyone, but those feelings are a construct of the story you tell yourself and the environment in which your mind plays out those stories. There is in fact no difference between anxiety and excitement, it's the environment in which the feeling and the story you tell yourself play out.
 
Here is the rub – Gratitude, Self Love, Action, doing the inner work are all keys to success but the one question I still have unanswered is
 
Why am I so lonely?
 
Why am I not shifting to attract the clients that fill me up?
 
Why have I not yet found my tribe?
 
You see 99% of us are batteries in a machine, we trade our truth to fit in and accept the pay check that is the contract that stops us living the life we truly desire.
 
I realised this in 2019 when I made the painful and difficult decision to leave the police, to break the rules and redefine what therapy and coaching felt like.
 
But for some reason there was still some unfinished business and it hit me like a rocket ship a month back when I was speaking at a networking event.
 
As each of the speakers spoke from varying businesses, they spoke about the impact of mental health and how this was such an important subject to tackle, yet none of those businesses had ever engaged with me.

In fact the word mental health and anxiety are used like Uber and Google - true anxiety is painful and we talk a lot as a society but do nothing of note to fix the problem and that is my mission, but you can't do it alone.
 

Why is no one seeing what I am seeing?

I spoke with one of the owners of a well-known HR company and asked the simple question….
 
“That was really interesting what you said about mental health, I’m curious what stops you from engaging with me and helping you?”
 
The answer was painful.
 
“What you do is too out there”
 
My ego kicked in “Told you, no one gets what you do, they don’t care and let’s face it you’re a fraud”.
 
No matter how much work you do, no matter how many great results you get, no matter how competent you are, no matter how much evidence you have. You can’t lead if you don’t have followers. Someone who believes what you believe and is willing to stand with you.

“The leaders who offers blood, toil, tears and sweat always get more out of their followers than those who offer safety and a good time. When it comes to the pinch, human beings are heroic.”
– George Orwell

Leaders need other leaders

As humans our primary defence mechanism is the tribe, and every successful person has one. I don’t mean followers, I don’t mean the ones who flatter you, feed your ego, I mean the tribe that stands with you thick and thin, sits in the mud and asks

“What do you need”, and asks for nothing in return.
 
That tribe might only be one person, but it’s that one person who can just listen, when you’re in the mud, that person who is just ahead of you on the journey, they are not there because you are paying them, they are not there because they get something from you, they are there because they believe in what you believe and you are on a mission together.



I’m lonely but I don’t need saving

The problem with great humans is they often want to save you and the last thing I want is saving, how about you?

If you want to piss me off it’s simple:
 
Flatter me and do nothing
Sympathise with me and do nothing
Given me advice then leave
 
You see when you step into vulnerability with others who don’t understand what you need and why you need it, that emotional energy feels uncomfortable for people.
 
When I work with clients I ask one question “What does success look like at the end of this session and what do you need from me right now?”
 
The reason I ask that is because often people don’t know what they want and why they want it.
 
A good coach, a good friend, a good colleague or family member creates space and safety and the mind can't work effectively when it doesn't feel safe. To gain insights you need connection, you need a mirror and the majority of people in this world don’t know how to be a mirror for others.
 
One of my favourite coaches Rich Litvin but’s it perfectly “Never be the smartest person in the room”, meaning if you are the smartest person in the room you are in the wrong room.
 
When we combine this with Aristotle’s quote, we can see that our environment consists of the following parts:

1. The guide who is wiser and can help open the doors
2. The environment to fail, surrounded by others who will raise you up.
 
The information, skill and knowledge is pointless without the environment to apply your genius as Albert Einstein states.
 
If your environment doesn’t match your dreams then you will get stressed, feel dis-ease, then this can turn to disease.

Forget mental health being a chemical imbalance of the brain, that is a result of energy that isn't aligned with you or your environment.
 
In fact epigenetic studies have shown that our outer and inner environment have a direct impact on our physiology, the mind is not separate to the body, it works as part of a team and if one of the players get injured all the others need to be in play to lift that part up and create an environment to heal.

This is why anxiety and depression are not bad, they are the body telling you, screaming at you that the environment is not right and how to fix it.

For me personally I know all of this and this blog is a reminder to me that I am being guided, but it still sucks, it still hurts when you feel no one is with your on your journey, invested in you and it takes a lot of energy to keep going.
 
What impacts this further when it comes to our connection with others, is they may be kind and caring, but their reaction is to want to save the person, to make them feel better or give them advice based on their own perspective, which is all well and good, but sympathy separates it doesn’t connect.
 
In Steven Bartlett’s Diary of a CEO Podcast appearance, Simon Sinek talks about his own struggles with loneliness and in the interview he speaks to the heart of loneliness which Sinek says: "It's the fair exchange of energy when it comes to service".
 
Sinek talks about when we step into vulnerability most people will say “It’s ok, take your time”, be by yourself, we will watch on.

This is the loneliest place you can find yourself, when you step into vulnerability and ask for support and what you get is energy of

“I feel uncomfortable, I’m not willing to go there with you, I need to move away, I gain no benefit from this, you’re scaring me”.
 
But then Sinek goes onto described true connection. From the back of the room as Sinek told his story a General said:
 
“Go On, We Are With You”. 
“Go On You Have No Choice and We Will Be With You”.
 
Like Sinek, when my friends or clients are struggling I don’t say take your time.
 
I ask "What do you need from me" and if that is to sit in the mud whilst they cry I will be there.
 
If they need me to promote their business I will
If they need me stand by their side I will
 
The truth is I am lonely, because I have no one to sit in the mud with and when I step into that mud and say, "can someone sit here", they don’t and now I don’t even ask because the guilt and shame I feel for putting them in that position takes me right back to why I now know I wanted to end it all.
 
When you are in that place, when you need someone to support you, all you need is that person or people to be to the left and right of you and once upon a time I thought I would find that in the Police or the Military, but that type of leadership is rare and it’s even rarer in business.
 
These are the simple facts and I wonder do these apply to you as well if you feel lonely.
 
I don’t have the friends who are supporting me in the way that I need.
 
 I don’t have a family that says how can I help you serve the world.
 
I don’t have colleagues who will help lift me up when I am down and say we are beside you, we are moving forward because we believe in your mission even if it’s not our mission.

Yes I have support but not the support that I need.
 
I have stepped into vulnerability so many times with people that what I have experienced is something that has repeated over and over again and that’s loneliness.
 
You see the majority of people are willing to take but never exchange energy.
 
How many times have you seen a post on social media that you love, a post that someone has crafted over to maybe lift you up and you’ve either smiled, maybe given a like, but you have never commented, you have never said thank you.
 
How many times have you made an assumption that they’ve got it all figured out?

How many times have you told them they are great but never told others they are great?

How many times have you asked, how's business, I want to help you, what do you need?

Why is that?
 
I was speaking with a fellow coach who believed I was doing really well due to my recent celebrity clients and appearances in the press and radio when the truth is that I’m not.
 
What we want, what I want, what I require and what I need is someone to say this.
 
Go on,

"I’m with you, I’m going to be your cheer leader and tell everyone I know about you, I want to help you change the world, I want to stand beside you and your vision". "You are not alone and how can I further your cause".
 
This is why I love the work of Sinek, he has an impossible dream and many followers and no one would think he was lonely, maybe everyone believes he has it figured out, he doesn’t none of us do.

Lonely people, depressed people, anxious people, choose the label that makes you squirm least
 
We don’t need advice - we need support
We don’t need pity - we need someone to tell us we are not alone.
We don’t need anything other than true connection.
 
I have the greatest job in the world helping people reconnect with themselves, to share their gifts and talents, because I know what it feels like to feel different, not good enough and that the life you once believed was possible, somehow seems a pipe dream. But deep down I know, I know with all my heart, soul and spirit that this is why I am here, but it’s lonely at the moment because to me the vision is so clear and easy but to others…….well if I could figure that out, this blog wouldn't exist.
 
You can do all the inner work, you can have all the tools, you can have a dream, but unless you can share that experience of self with others then you will be forever lonely.

What’s the answer to my loneliness, maybe your loneliness?

A shared purpose is the key to loneliness, to serve those who serve others.
 
What Sinek adds to this is “We will be there with you on the way”.
 
“Not looking from afar, but stood beside you”.
 
Knowing that you are connected to people to left and the right of you that are saying “Go on, you’re not alone”, that are stood beside you championing your cause your gift, telling others, so that others may benefit from your mission.
 
I felt lonely for decades because I have never truly been able to connect with my true authentic self, because by doing so I was left alone, vulnerable and scared. By connecting to myself meant I had disconnected from the tribe, so where is my tribe now?
 
Whose with me?
Who believes what I believe?
Who wants to empower others to find out why they feel like they do?
 
Andrew Gifford has a great quote about making real change in the world:
 
“YOU can’t change the world”
“YOU can change someone else’s world”
“The more people you help, the more worlds you have changed”
 
This is service
 
No matter how much work you do alone, you will never change your own world unless you get help from others, in an environment that makes you feel safe, connected and loved.
 
I believe everyone should have a fulfilled and happy life and when you find the root cause to the stories you tell yourself and the destructive feelings you attach to them, you not only change your own world, but you change the world of everyone around that person.
 
That is service, that is connection and that is why I believe we are here.
 
But I can’t do this alone.
 
The next move is yours, can you help me change the lives of others?
 
Are you willing to say “Go on, I’m stood with you”
 
Are you willing to say “I’m here to champion your cause”
 
Are you willing to open the doors and say “ I know someone who knows the secret”
 
Help me beat my loneliness by helping others beat theirs and maybe, just maybe, that one life change will cause a ripple across the world which will empower everyone to make this world a better place.

A place where everyone can feel that they live in an environment of self love, peace, freedom, purpose and fulfilment surrounded by others who can themselves walk this world with authenticity, feeling connected, feeling empowered to go forward and turn that ripple into a wave that will turn the world into a better place.

The journey continues.........