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Selfishness is Selfcare
Marcus Matthews • 12 June 2023
Why is it important to put yourself first?
It's Monday morning, and my day began with a familiar series of events. The early hours were disrupted by the persistent barking of my dog, leaving me feeling exhausted before the day even started. Later, during a call, the topic revolved around selfishness and the detrimental impact of others' perceptions on our well-being. A recurring theme, it seemed.
To add to the mix, my son had misplaced his school shoes, causing frustration and triggering a cascade of negative emotions within me—anger, guilt, and shame. The weight of not measuring up and the longing for recognition once again intensified when I received news that I hadn't made the cut as a finalist for a military wellbeing award. It left me questioning my purpose and feeling inadequate.
As if that wasn't enough, my morning inbox greeted me with unsolicited LinkedIn messages, promising to help grow my company. I couldn't help but feel irritated by their opportunistic approach. And so, even before the week truly began, I found myself drained and overwhelmed. It begs the question:
What's the plan?
In every moment, no matter how challenging, lies an opportunity for self-discovery and growth.
So how can we leverage these experiences to learn something about ourselves and others?
It's easier said than done, of course. The truth is, I/we are just humans, navigating through life's complexities like everyone else. Yet, there are moments when the weight of it all makes you want to scream, to tell the world to back off and stop depleting your energy.
But what to do in this very moment?
Right now, I must pause and take a deep breath. Amidst the chaos and overwhelm, it's time to slow down and nourish my mind and body.
As I write, a voice in my head whispers, "No one cares. If you share this, people won't take you seriously. Why bother?"
So why share this?
Is it for validation? Perhaps.
Yet, maybe someone reading this will realize they're not alone. You see, it's not selfish to prioritise ourselves and express our emotions—it's essential.
Society has conditioned us to put others first, believing it will bring us safety, love, and purpose, it doesn’t, that’s our responsibility.
Society has conditioned us to put others first, believing it will bring us safety, love, and purpose, it doesn’t, that’s our responsibility.
I write for myself, to release these thoughts from my mind. But I also share them with the hope that others may find solace and permission to pause for a moment. We're so caught up in the hustle, trying to please everyone around us, that we often fail to recognise our own emotions. Our busyness becomes a shield, shielding us from genuine feelings and deeper issues we'd rather not burden others with. That's why I put this into words—a blog—so that those who wish to read it can, and those who wish to dismiss it can as well. If nobody reads it, that's okay. I'm not seeking validation. I write to take time for myself, to express my feelings, and to share them with those who may resonate.
Allow me to offer some tips:
Tip 1: You can't make everyone happy.
Read that again. No matter how much you give, there will always be takers. You're not responsible for others' happiness. We each hold the key to our own emotions. Often, what we feel as adults is a result of subconscious programming that no longer serves us—a past traumatic experience, however small, that left us feeling unsafe. That program still runs, convinced it has a purpose in helping us. But does it?
Read that again. No matter how much you give, there will always be takers. You're not responsible for others' happiness. We each hold the key to our own emotions. Often, what we feel as adults is a result of subconscious programming that no longer serves us—a past traumatic experience, however small, that left us feeling unsafe. That program still runs, convinced it has a purpose in helping us. But does it?
Tip 2: Learn to say no more often. Putting yourself first sometimes sounds like saying no. If people genuinely care about you, they will understand and respect your boundaries. If they don't, you must ask yourself if they truly care about you or if they're using you to fill an unhealed void within themselves. You are not responsible for bridging their emotional gaps.
Tip 3: Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Setting boundaries is crucial, though many struggle with expressing their needs without triggering the other person. The key is to have a carefrontation conversation. Begin by taking responsibility for what you can control. Then, express gratitude, respect, and love for the other person. Reflect on what you've learned about yourself and clearly state your needs, free from expectations, blame, or manipulation. Remember, you can request, but never demand. Each person chooses their response, and you can choose the next steps. If someone disrespects you, walking away is always an option. As adults, we have choices that we didn't have as children.
If you truly desire self-care and contentment in life, take the time to understand your emotions. Only then can you determine the steps necessary to meet your own needs. Continuing to grind and hustle for everyone but yourself leads to burnout and frustration.
Tip 4: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Guilt and shame often prevent us from discussing our feelings, but we need to understand why we feel judged or burdened. If you're tired of constantly seeking validation and yearn for peaceful, purposeful, and loving days, it's up to you to take action. I'm here to initiate that conversation and empower you to transform your life.
Tip 5: Embrace evolution.
Your mind's job is to keep you alive, and fear is what ultimately prevents us from becoming our trueselves.
Rumi, the great poet, said it beautifully with this profound insight:
"I died as a mineral and became a plant,
I died as a plant and rose to an animal,
I died as an animal, and I was human.
Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?
Yet once more, I shall die as a human,
To soar with angels blessed above.
And when I sacrifice my angel soul,
I shall become what no mind ever conceived.
As a human, I will die once more,
Reborn, I will soar with the angels.
And when I let go of my angelic body,
I shall become more than mortal mind can fathom."
Sometimes, we must let go of what we know, to embrace the unknown—the very essence of who we are becoming is still unknow so take solace in the fact that to know success you must know failure, to know love you must no loss.
There is no winning in life, just the experience of understanding we are all imperfectly perfect.
Remember when you give to yourself so that others will benefit that's not selfish that's service.
Remember when you give to yourself so that others will benefit that's not selfish that's service.
A few months ago, I came into the possession of two profound experiences that forever changed the way I view life, faith, and personal growth. These revelations helped me break free from limiting beliefs and pointed me toward a path of greater clarity and empowerment. Today, I’d like to share these insights with you, not as an expert, but as someone who has walked through the maze of doubt and found a clearer way forward, one which allows you to feel more at peace.
What does God, The Law of Attraction and Success have in common? In this blog I discuss a profound insight which came from a conversation about God, Religion and Church. As part of my own spiritual journey I have started to discover The Bible and God, after a 44 year absence. This time with a wiser head I still had the same question I did when I was 6 years old - Why Do I Need To Go To Church? At a service about 6 months ago a Pastor said of Matthew 18:20, “ For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them,” he was emphasising the profound importance of community in the Church and this was the place to find God - I still wasn't convinced. Although I understood this, I have never felt God's presence in church and further reading, the truth of this verse is that it emphasises the profound importance of community and connection not just the church. It reminds believers that Christ’s presence is not confined to large congregations or grand buildings but is found wherever people come together in His name—whether in worship, prayer, fellowship or more importantly service. This verse assures us that even the smallest gatherings are sacred spaces where Christ works to guide, strengthen, and unify His followers. But Wait...... This is when it hit me, and in this article I want to discuss how this verse may have been hijacked by the church because this same principle is also discussed in books Like Think and Grow Rich, and runs through many other practices when it comes to finding success or as I like to call it inner peace. This is why connection to a divine purpose, be that from a spiritual, personal or business perspective is all about aligning with those who serve others to improve humanity not those who wish to take your divine energy.
This video was from a Keynote talk on the 16th November 2024 at The Mecure Hotel Abbotswell Chester
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The experiences, traumas, and coping mechanisms of our ancestors can subtly influence our beliefs, behaviours, and emotional responses. Often, we find ourselves stuck in patterns of thinking and acting that seem impossible to change. Much of this resistance to change stems from the fact that our minds are designed to seek comfort in the familiar. When we attempt to alter our habits or challenge long-held beliefs, our subconscious mind, which is heavily influenced by our past experiences, pushes back. This is a protective mechanism, intended to keep us safe from perceived threats, even if those threats are outdated or no longer relevant. From my own experience and that of my clients, I've seen how powerful these inherited patterns can be. For many, understanding that these feelings and behaviours may have deep roots—sometimes extending to previous generations—can be a revelation. It's as though we're carrying the emotional legacy of our ancestors without even realising it. Is it worth considering we are living history and we may look back and realise the mainstream ideas may not be as effective as we believe. The NHS Talking Therapies programme, which includes counselling, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and psychotherapy, has been shown to be effective for many individuals dealing with anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. According to the latest data, around 50% of people who completed their course of treatment through these services moved to recovery, meaning they were no longer considered to have clinical anxiety or depression by the end of their therapy. Note moved to recovery not resolved. CBT, which is one of the most commonly used therapies within the NHS, accounts for over 40% of all therapy courses and has a recovery rate of approximately 44.5%. While CBT focuses on addressing current issues by changing negative thought patterns and behaviours, it often does not delve into the deeper, underlying causes of these mental health issues, which may be rooted in past experiences. For those looking for a more profound and lasting change, hypnotherapy offers an alternative by accessing the subconscious mind to uncover and address these deep-rooted emotional drives. This approach can help individuals not only manage their symptoms but also resolve the underlying issues that contribute to their mental health struggles. Electroconvulsive Therapy, once a common treatment for severe mental health conditions, has seen a significant decline in use. This decline is largely due to advances in understanding the brain, the development of more effective and less invasive treatments, and the recognition of the potential negative side effects of ECT, such as memory loss and cognitive impairment. The landscape of mental health treatment has shifted towards a more holistic approach, one that takes into account the psychological, emotional, and social factors that contribute to mental wellbeing. This is a positive change, but it also highlights the importance of understanding the root causes of our mental health challenges. Simply treating the symptoms, as ECT often did, is no longer sufficient. Instead, there is a growing recognition of the need to address the underlying issues, many of which may be rooted in our past. You see we don't go from perfectly OK to suffering with our mental health it's a slow decline, and yes there is a spectrum, but in general in todays world ECT has been replaced with drugs and coping mechnisms, so has the world really changed? While modern methods of talking therapy often focus on managing symptoms and exploring surface-level thoughts and feelings, they sometimes fall short of addressing the deep-rooted emotional drives that influence our behaviours. These therapies can provide valuable insights and coping strategies, but they may not always reach the underlying causes of emotional distress, which are often buried in the subconscious mind. Hypnotherapy, by contrast, delves into these deeper layers of the mind, uncovering and addressing the core issues that drive our emotional responses. By accessing the subconscious, hypnotherapy can facilitate profound and lasting change, helping individuals to resolve the root causes of their struggles rather than simply managing the symptoms. In my journey of self-discovery, I've come to realise that understanding the past is not about dwelling on it, but rather about using it as a tool for change. When we recognise the origins of our beliefs and behaviours, we gain the power to rewrite the narrative. We can transform adversity into opportunity by reframing our experiences, shifting our perspective, and creating new, healthier patterns of thinking. This approach is not about blaming our ancestors or feeling burdened by their experiences. Instead, it's about acknowledging the impact of the past on our present and using that knowledge to shape a better future. By understanding how our minds work and the role of the past in shaping our present reality, we can make conscious choices to break free from negative patterns and create a life that aligns with our true desires and values.
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Redefining Neurodiversity and Neurotypical: A Different Perspective Neurodiversity encompasses a range of differences, including ADHD, autism, dyslexia, and more, whilst Neurotypical refers to individuals whose neurological development and functioning are typical, aligning with what is considered the societal norm. Now it begs the question what is normal and as a society are we thriving? These labels of course are useful to understand each other but are typically labelled as "disorders," and in a world that seems more disordered than ever I think we need to look again at the way we label people, what if we challenge that narrative? Instead of viewing neurodiversity as a series of deficits, we can see it as a spectrum of unique perspectives and abilities. "Neurodiversity is not a defect. It’s a different way of thinking." The one thing we need in the world today is a different way of thinking This shift in perspective transforms perceived limitations into strengths. For example, individuals with ADHD often exhibit exceptional creativity, problem-solving skills, and resilience. These are not just compensations for a disorder but are superpowers that can lead to incredible achievements. The Power of Labels: Empowerment or Excuse? Labels can provide clarity and community, but they can also become crutches. Owning the label of ADHD or another neurodiverse condition can sometimes be an excuse to avoid action. However, it’s essential to move beyond the label and embrace the unique abilities it signifies. Questions for Reflection: Are you as a leader finding more people using neurodiversity as an excuse and why? What are my true passions and interests, beyond the roles and labels I identify with or others place upon me? How would I describe myself and my abilities if I couldn't use any labels or diagnoses? What unique strengths and perspectives do I bring to my relationships and work and why is that? How would I approach challenges differently if I viewed them through the lens of personal growth rather than limitations? What possibilities could open up if you focused on potential rather than conforming to societal expectations? How are you using your unique perspective to empower yourself and others? Are you embracing and loving who you truly are, or are you using your skills as an excuse to fit in? These questions encourage self-awareness and growth. It’s about recognising the incredible capabilities you possess and leveraging them to make a positive impact. Embracing Authenticity: Beyond Judgement, Shame, and Guilt The journey of self-acceptance involves overcoming judgment, shame, guilt, and the need for validation. Society often imposes standards that make neurodiverse individuals feel less than or different. However, embracing your true self means letting go of these external pressures, regardless of whether you define yourself as neurodiverse or neurotypical. "Your value is not determined by how well you fit into societal norms, but by how authentically you live your truth." Moving Forward: Action Steps Celebrate Your Strengths: Identify the unique skills and abilities that come with who you are. Write them down and reflect on how your unique skills can contribute to your personal and professional life – ditch the label. Make a shift: Challenge the narrative that labels give. Instead, view the world in a different way, let’s experiencing the world, with its own set of advantages. Seek Supportive Communities: Surround yourself with people who understand and appreciate you. Although therapy can give insights to your past and coaching can give you stratergies for the future, there are many people who have walked your path. Find someone who can help you navigate the world and teach you how to love your gifts, not love the label. Mentors can be a source of great knowledge and inspiration, more over they can instil confidence and empower you to move forward. Set Empowering Goals: Use your unique abilities to set and achieve goals that align with your passions and strengths. Focus on what you can do, rather than what you can't. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that everyone has challenges and that your worth is not diminished by them. Final Thoughts Reframing the labels society puts on us allows for a more empowering and inclusive approach. By embracing who you truly are, you can transform perceived limitations into incredible strengths. Remember, your unique perspective is not just valid—it’s invaluable. Who are you without a label? You are a person with unique abilities, a valuable perspective, and the potential to make a significant impact on the world. Embrace it, own it, and use it to empower yourself and others. Who do you know who needs to hear this and what do you need to ditch the label and step into your own unique brilliance? Share this post with someone who needs to step into their truth and if you need further support then feel free to book a free call to find out how I can help you ditch the label and turn adversity into oppotunity. Why not watch my Positive Mindset Webinar where I teach you the foundations of stepping into your trueself. Book NOW
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