According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It's an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.

My mentor Marisa Peer defines this with three beliefs:

I am not enough
I am different
The thing I want is not available.

Other definitions of shame:

A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.

A regrettable or unfortunate situation or action.

So what connects us to shame - disconnection.

Disconnection is the driver to fear and our mind is programmed to react to disconnection because disconnection means death.

If we feel disconnected we feel alone, however the ego drives us to find connection outside of the body, to fit in.

Those who understand this manipulate it.

We are tribal, we seek connection and familiarity and that is the essence of our religions, our politics and our cultures.

If you stand out then you will be shamed, you will be rejected and this is difficult, because if we are programmed for connection and to connect we need to change who our soul needs us to be then we become disrupted.

As a specialist in anxiety I define anxiety as "the disconnection of our mind body, soul and spirit", when our whole self becomes separate.

You could say we become shattered or fractured.

Taking that analogy of the self being a broken limb, to repair and heal we need to create an environment to support that limb to heal.

The mind is no different, if we don't have the correct environment to heal, we can't.

But unlike a physical break, the mind is seen to be more complex, it isn't. The difference is the break is seen through feelings, actions and emotions.

Those feelings actions and emotions either connect us, or disconnect us.

If we feel different, we will either pretend all is ok, because we are ashamed, or we will speak our truth and if the environment is wrong others will shame us.

How many times have you shown sympathy to someone, being well meaning?

But what was the driver?

Normally you have found yourself in a situation where you can't control, maybe you feel lost in what to do.

You want to help, so you look to find a solution.

Empathy and sympathy are often grouped together, but they are very different.

Empathy is a skill that can bring people together and make people feel included, while sympathy creates an uneven power dynamic and can lead to more isolation and disconnection.

Sympathy and trying to provide a solution actually says "I can see you don't know how to fix this, let me help", we feel and hear "You need help, your different, your not good enough, how did you get this way".

Empathy says "I see you, that sucks, I am here offering nothing more than love"

Brown argues and I agree, that shame cannot be felt by those without a capacity for empathy. Therefore those who feel shame have the power to control it.

“Empathy is the antidote to shame.”

The most powerful words one person can say to another are, “Me too.”

So we can't really get over shame without other people.

Connection is the crutch to the broken mind, yet when we are in a state of stress, anxiety and depression, we do the very opposite.

We armour up, pretend all is well. What's worse, the word anxiety has become a buzz word for any uncomfortable situation, therefore those who really are disconnected become even more so.